Despite our painfully complicated lifelong relationship, I am devastated. I love her. I always have.
Often it is said about someone who's passed is that they're in a better place, and often you can see the doubt in loved ones faces. It's been awful watching my mother deteriorate, especially in these last four years; she was tired, she was ready, and so in her case, it's true. She's is in a better place; she's finally no longer suffering, and I pray she is finally at peace in the place where she wanted to be for so many years now.
But while I knew in my heart this was coming, and had started to prepare, it was so completely unexpected when it happened, and to find her already gone like that... They say no one should have to outlive their own child. (But I have). I'll add to it that no one should have to find their parent like I found my mother. Even though this is exactly how I knew it would happen, and my mother lived exactly how she wanted to and everyone else be damned, I had desperately hoped it wouldn't end like this because I wanted better for her - I always have. I really just wish for once she would have listened to me, to us, and not broken my heart like this, broken the one promise I asked her to make me.
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