This Perfectly Imperfect Life

take a look-see at my links section and you'll find my other blog, "Any Small Town USA" ~ i've posted there today! (finally!)

taken monday morning, 1/29/07 ~ view from our kitchen. view from out patio, to the right. i was sitting on the couch when i took this! it's a bit zoomed in since the couch isn't that close to the window! (that's a stained glass marine corp 'eagle, globe & anchor' insignia ~ my mother bought it for hubby on sunday, 1/28/07!) neat pic! (at least i think so!) not sure why i took this!

aren't these gorgeous?! they're "mini" cyclamen's & i got them at shoprite on sunday (1/28/07).

this is the cover i knitted for my cell phone when i was sick week before last! (red heart super saver multicolor in "berries.") here's my new knitting basket! just enough room to hold everything i currently have! i got this 5 piece lined basket set on sunday (1/28/07) @ ragshop for only $9.99 ~ original price?! $29.99!!! (bargain of the day!!! think i'm going to pick up another one this week!) i also got those 2 skiens of yarn ~ red heart light & lofty in "antique rose." as i mentioned in a previous post, i'm really into shades of red & pink at this time of year and have been looking for some valentine-y yarn!

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 21:37:10 -0600 (CST) it's happening again. i'm totally on the verge of a panick attack. i can't take being like this-feeling like this. i think it must be less torture 2 fully lose 1's mind than 2 continuously feel on the verge of it. cruel exsistence either way if u ask me. (think i need to go back on the lexapro to stop this at night!)

from yesterday! Sun, 28 Jan 2007 14:34:00 -0800 (PST) so sad. im@a bar w/hubby & some of his friends-all of my friends are sick or getting ovr being sick. i might as well b here by myself. Sun, 28 Jan 2007 15:17:07 -0800 (PST) note 2 self, part 2! god i hate this alone in a crowd feeling. it just magnifies all other crappy feelings. thank god this doesnt happen much, if @ all anymore! and while im not lonely love wise anymore, (though it sucks not seeing hubby much w/his working so much!) i am lonely friendship wise. my best friends & i only get 2 c 1 another but once or twice a yr! Sun, 28 Jan 2007 22:19:22 -0600 (CST) note 2 self, part 3! it's 11:10pm now & hubby's asleep nxt 2 me. this is 1 of those times i'd swear i was having another breakdown. i'm on the verge of panick. i'm desperately sad, or lonely, i honestly can't tell which @ the moment. memories r trying 2 get out of my subconscious. will i evr not b plagued by depression & all it

to everyone who's left comments since this past november, i apologize for not thanking you for them or responding to them! apparently, all comments since nov of 06 have been off in 'old blogger limbo land' (as i now call it) and when i was forced to switch over to new blogger when signing in this morning, they appeared in my 'moderate comments' section on my dashboard! (they never appeared any where in my old blogger!) i've also changed my comments settings so that bloggers from 'type pad' can comment here! (thanks again for the 'heads up' on that carolyn! see previous post comments) just go to my links section and click on names like 'turkey feathers,' 'posy,' and 'willow house' for the type pad blogs i love to read.

hubby didn't get home from work until 7pm - he had a dr's appt then stopped off @ the american legion for a beer before picking up a pizza for dinner. it's now 8:57pm & he's asleep next to me, snoring softly. i only got 2 spend an hour & a half w/him. 2morrow's his sat to work. he'll be off on sunday & bk 2 work on mon.. this sucks. i hardly ever see him since we moved & he transferred 2 another store, half hr north of the old store. sucksville, here i am again.

this is my version of 'the forest through the trees!' it's "an apple blossom amaryllis' through the daffodils!" (the unopened apple blossom is centered at the back).

scarf i'm currently knitting in "claret" lion brand yarn wool-ease thick & quick yarn. i originally thought it was more of a deep wine-burgandy color, but, there's actually flecks of red through it which makes it more of a reddish color. also 2 skeins of gorgeous "dark rose heather" (lion brand wool-ease worsted weight) which i just got wednesday along with a new set of lion brand "super smooth" 10mm 14" plastic needles ~ don't know other what i'll do with this yarn other than practice but i just so love the color! i love all shades of pink & red at this time of year! another angle! this pic jumped out of order! storm front moving out earlier this month! close up of that scarf i'm knitting. pidly snow fall! (such a disappointment!) cute pic with the squirrels rummaging around for the cracked corn kernals!

that time of the month again! no, you didn't need to know that. i'm just frustrated. i didn't get it at all in december and now i've gotten it twice in january! and just when i'm getting over that borderline pneumonia thing i don't need to be this worn out from a re-appearance of my monthly visitor! i could end up sick all over again! the heating system here hasn't worked right in nearly a week. it's freakin' 62 degrees in here this morning and it supposed to be 68. you don't think 6 degrees makes much difference do you?! maybe not on paper (or in print rather) but it's damn chilly in the rest of the apt.! i've got to dig the heater out of the pantry again for the kitchen. with those 2 huge patio doors, it's like an ice box in there. last night it was 70 degrees and very comfortable throughout the apt. ~ thank goodness as our coldest temp's in 2 years were setting in last night and will stick around through tomorrow mor

earlier this evening, i was reading a blog called "turkey feathers" (see my links section) and read her latest entry which states that she was "tagged by retro rosie to confess 6 weird things about" herself, which she did! i left a comment at that time but went on to think about this more throughout the evening and made my own list, which i just left as a comment on turkey feathers blog. here it is: "i've been thinking about my wierdness and 9 things came immediately to mind & i wrote them down or i'd've forgotten! 1: i go through periods of time when i sleep with a stuffed animal (i'm in my 30's & married!). 2: i've recently become addicted to buying yarns & knitting needles & can't seem to stop. 3: i like going to the airport even when i'm not flying (though it's not as much as it was before all the restrictions/prior to 2001). 4: i collect foodstore key chain club cards from stores in states we don't

around 12:30pm, hubby left to pick up one of our nephews and they were going to help one of our nieces move the rest of her stuff out of her & her husband's apt in nj and take her & her things back to baltimore, where she's been for the past 8 months or so since they split up. you'd think hubby had been gone for a week with the way i've been missing him this entire afternoon & evening! i know my being sick isn't helping me much & i guess i'm feeling kind of needy! my sister-in-law's here for the weekend & my mom knows how sick i've been, so she stopped over around 5pm and suggested we have chinese delivered (on her!) so that i didn't have to cook. that was really, really nice of her. hubby called about 9pm ~ they're back in nj and were just over the de memorial bridge when he called. he said it was snowing down there. i told him i loved him & i miss him. he said he'd be home by about 11pm. i can't wait.

"i am still tired and overwhelmed and still trying to heal from so many different past things that i don't know if i'll ever be the picture of mental health ~ hell, i don't know if i'll ever even be in the ball park! (that's the answer i'd really like to give people who ask us "so how come you don't have any kids yet?!") it's a freaky & discouraging thought and most of the time, i honestly have no idea how the hell i make it from day to day. i just do." i wrote this just a few moments ago ~ a comment for a fellow blogger.

what turned into a 'change of pace' (or space rather) because i coudn't stand to be stuck in bed or on the couch anymore turned into a "break-through." around 5pm this afternoon i'd been sitting in my kitchen, at the table, starring out through the patio doors (above) into space, watching the squirrels, cardinals & finches come for the cracked corn kernals i'd put out this morning and reading "week 3" of julia cameron's "the artist's way," when it hit me in the face... i've come to see what has me so blocked as a writer ~ i am not sure if this is a reason overall, or just in part, but, nonetheless it's a breakthrough. i got up from the table and walked around the apt., a bit dazed, nearly in tears & just kept saying aloud "i know why i don't write!" i was breathless. i was amazed. i was happy. i'll try to work on this and get through it. it's the best i can do. i'm not ready to go p

here's our snow! this melted before dark last night. apparently, while i was finally getting some sleep this morning around 6am, it snowed again and we got another, thicker dusting, which i also took pics of but can't find them in my pics file! sad, isn't it?! (my taking pics of such pidly snow!)

finally! it wasn't much & it's all gone now, but it was just the spirit lifter i needed! i took some pics ~ of course! ~ and will post them later!

for some reason, i just don't want 2 b in the bedroom, where i usually hole up when i'm this sick. (and i'm worse than i was yesterday!) it feels 2 claustrafobic & stuffy in there. (don't think i spelled the big word of the day correctly, but i don't give a hoot!) wanna hear something pathetic?! last night, because i couldn't sleep right away, i knitted a cover 4 my cell phone! (is "knitted" even gramatically correct?!) even more pathetic, i'm probably going 2 do more in diff colors 2day!

this could b the feeling like crap talking here, but i*m going 2 end up w/pneumonia. i cant sleep @ night even though im exhausted. im not hungry or thirsty in the least & im forcing myself 2 eat some here & there, but i cant stand the thought of water, so im drinking a lot of tea which makes me have 2 pee every 15 to 20 minutes. yes, ive got 2 watch out 4 dehydration. yup, sucksville!

winter's finally arriving! tonight's going to be 5 to 10 degrees in this area. don't know if that's the actual temp or the "real feel" temp. this is only my second winter living on a 1st floor, but i know when it's going to get this cold, i have to make sure all the windows are locked & curtains are down in front of them and the bottom of the patio door is blocked by the kitchen mats to help keep some of the cold are out. but, with those 2 huge glass doors, i'll have to have the heater on in the kitchen tomorrow morning. boy that wind is really roaring out there tonight! that's what it does here. at least that's the best way for me to describe how it sounds. because we're essentially down at the bottom of a valley & surrounded by hills/mountains, you hear the wind here well before it actually gets to us and you hear it well after it passes through. when it's this black at night and you can't tell the trees from the

the following is a letter i sent out today to nj senator menendez and governor corzine, via their websites. i also emailed everyone i know with a copy, whether or not they live in nj since this could make the rounds through the country if nj passes it. "Dear Senator/Governor, My mother told me this afternoon that she heard on the radio this morning that the NJ State Legislature is considering passing a bill for NJ schools to no longer observe Veteran's Day and Memorial Day. I find this to be disgraceful, un-American and an embarrassment to our State. My husband is no longer an active Marine, but "Once a Marine, Always a Marine" rings true for him and he has taught me true Patriotism. I cannot imagine his allowing our future children attend schools that do not teach about or observe Veteran's Day and Memorial Day. I know I won't allow it. Is it any wonder why so many people are leaving our State for others?! I have emailed everyone I know about this, whether

it's 2pm already. i've just loaded the dish washer. there are still more dishes to do. the spare room (aka the cats room) needs to be vacuumed and wiped down. there are oodles of christmas decorations that need to be taken down from around the house and boxed. not to mention that i've got to exercise, 3 classes to do reading and exams for, writing & reading for personal reasons, i've got to get ready to go food shopping w/hubby after he gets home at 3:40pm... i'll sleep in, call my mom, watch tv, whatever... all to essentially avoid doing anything. but why ?! this is how my every day goes. so much to do, so much i want to do and by the time i go to sleep, i'll have done next to nothing and have still more to do tommorrow. i hate when hubby asks me "so what did you do today?" ~ i'm ashamed that this is how i spend my time. or waste it, i should say. he has such faith in me, such belief in me. he sees so much in me, more than i ever

just a pic from yesterday ~ not the greatest since it's from my cell phone, but, i did take pics with one of my digital camera's & as soon as i find it, i'll post those!

it*s been quite the dark, rainy & foggy day here! perfect day 2 spend in bed, which i love 2 do & we did but we*re both sick, so it wasn*t as much fun as 1 may have 1st thought! but it was so good 2 just be w/my hubby all day w/no interruptions - no places 2 go or people 2 see. we spent a lot of time watching ken burns' civil war on pbs13 & a doctor who marathon on bbc/am! now he*s snoring away & i*m nodding off!

i think my sister-in-law may seperate from her husband again. my heart goes out to her. her daughter's husband, my nephew-in-law, is a marine and will be going to iraq late this coming summer. he volunteered before knowing he was being called up anyway. i hope he's able to be home for their baby girl's 1st birthday the 1st week of august. marines truly are a different breed and never cease to amaze me. i should know ~ i'm married to one!

(see prev post) well, this evening i don't need to have pain patches on both knees as well as ace bandages wrapped around them, so this is good! i tell ya, the past 2 nights have been pure hell ~ my knees haven't hurt that much, especially at the same time is YEARS ! the pain was absolutely horrible! i don't think i could've taken it (mentally) another night! i've got a lot more links now and i'm still working on getting more up! any of my favorite authors with their own web site are in the links section and i've noted my fav book(s) of theirs along with their name. visible in my profile to the right are those authors without their own site along with my fav book(s) of theirs. i've also got garden(ing) related links, writer's related links (the artist's way), a link to one of my favorite designers rebecca cole and a link to the u.s. south pole station because i'm fascinated with it! (i was before reading "ice bound" by dr. ge

(see previous post) both sides of my lower back are spasming, the arthritis in my knees hurts so bad i want to scream & i've got stabbing pains in my leg muscles ~ i've taken a pain pill & have a lidocaine patch on each knee... maybe being fat isn't so bad after all!

well, i finished the horticulture sessions of my horticulture & landscape design course! (next come the landscape design sessions!) and i walked for 2 & a quarter miles (45 or so minutes)! strange that i accomplished that much when i started the day looking at everything i want to get done (overall, not just today) and i sat, overwhelmed, in bed for over two hours! i still don't know how to set aside scheduled times for anything and i don't know how i was able to do so much when i worked as opposed to now! i'm still slightly panicky with the thought that i'm really getting too old & have wasted so much time that none of my "dreams" are ever going to come true. i don't know why that hit me before new years, but it's haunting me off & on since. more later!

it was 61 degrees last night after 11pm when i was posting the two previous entries from my cell. it's now 9:15am and 64 degrees! and while the air smells deliciously sweet and i'm going to have a late breakfast on my patio, this is ridiculous! i live in nj, not in the south! i'm so out of sorts, really. you never notice just how much your body is attuned to the seasons until something like this happens! plus it's 77 percent humidity already & going up to 70 or so degrees today which is a tad unconfortable for me. ps: as you've noticed, i changed my template (yesterday). while pics showed up great on the black template, over all it was kind of blah! this is different than the version on this template that i remember from when i first started, but, it'll do for now. i did freak a bit because i lost all my links by changing templates as well as my "good reads section" but, the links are back up and i'm still trying to remember how i did

My back is spasming on the right side, not the left like usual since i got hurt. that can*t b good. my worker*s comp case was settled 2day. nope, not in the $ now, but have the legal right 2 reopen w/in every 2 yrs of this date 4 medical costs & more disability $. the ck will b nice but won*t last long w/all the bills 2 pay. i felt relieved earlier, now i*m just very blah.

I*m still amazed at being able 2 post this from my cell & lying in bed! my hubby*s asleep next 2 me. i*ve got a xmas eve scented yankee candle lit on my night stand. i love candle light, especially on cloudy, stormy or snowy days & in the evenings. i prefer it over lamp light! there*s something very soothing & comforting about it. most haunted*s on the tv but i muted it. we*re supposed 2 get severe boomers (thunder storms!) 2night.

This is amazing! i can not only view my blog, pics & all, from my cell, i can post 2?! blogging while lying in bed?! simply fantastic!

today's full moon, taken w/my cell! very cool pic i took in december from our front porch at sunset. another cool pic from today, riding over a bridge, also taken w/my cell! december's full moon, taken from our patio.

last night my hubby & i made cajun catfish for dinner and had a relaxing evening. he was asleep before 10pm & i stayed up watching tv. around 11pm, i had a 1/2 cup of coffee and a piece of coffee cake to help keep me awake. i was going to wake him at 11:57pm with glasses of champagne when at 11:55pm one of his friends text mailed him & woke him up before me! (ever seen those grizzly bears woken from hibernation on cable tv?!) we had our toast and kissed at midnight. he went back to sleep and at 12:12am i couldn't stay awake anymore and turned off the tv. at 12:50am our neice woke us both up by text mailing us, so we both turned our phones off and went to sleep! it's been dark, pouring rain, foggy and hovering aroung 58 degrees all day. i made pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon & cinamon rolls for bfast, then we went for a long walk in the woods (there's my exercising goal for the day!) and then we went to the local american legion for about 2 hours or s