This Perfectly Imperfect Life

i'm in a bit of a fog now. my first wind of the day is gone. went to the doctor yesterday. the one dr. rc says is going to be the one who helps me the most & figures out what's wrond w/me. dr. ea said we'll continue to treat my sero-negative arthritis (psoriatic arthritis) by up-ing my dosage. he feels treating the arthritis is the best bet. it's an autoimmune disease which can make me vulnerable to infection. he said my chronic fatigue and chronic upper respiratory infections could also be fibroymyalga because my blood work results have improved, but, i'm still getting sick. but, if treating the arthritis doesn't help me overall, he's out of idea's. he honestly doesn't know. but, not to worry about that right now. keep taking the oral meds and soon i'll switch to the iv and injectible meds and we'll go from there. i'm about to be sick to my stomach. i've had health problems for 13 years now. i've been under the same dr's

last night about my wanting to devote a small garden to her this year. i told her of how i thought of growing royal amethyst roses especially for her, but, if there's something else she'd like more, then to please give me a sign as i look through the catalogs, search online & roam the nursery's. i told her of how i'd also like to maybe devote a small garden to her great-nana, her great-grandma, her grandma (her father's mother) and my husband's mother who passed this past june. and maybe even her grandpa (my father). (maybe! a big maybe!) brianna would've turned 6 this past december. unfortunately, the only time she was given in this world was a mere two months in my belly, march to may of 1999. but, she will be with me for my lifetime. i know it may sound very different, for lack of a more tasteful word, to some of you, that i write to her. but, it helps me to get through my grief, guilt, regrets and the "what-if's" that happen when i leas

over the next couple of days, it's going to get rainy & stormy & the temp's going to rise into the 60's! on the one hand, this excites me a bit! i can start making more use of our front porch & patio area's which i love... but, on the other hand, it saddens me a bit too. i realize that winter can extend into april (here), though it hasn't in quite a long time, but, more than likely, this warming trend signifies the ending of this winter and along with that, the end of the snowy season. yup, i'm one of those people! i love snow! love it! love it! love it! the more the better! i have yet to lose my childish excitement at the prospect of a blizzard! i peak out the windows constantly, get up in the middle of the night to check on how much we're getting, leave the blinds cracked open to check for that snowy glow & when i wake, i strain to hear the muffled sounds of a heavy snow fall when all is quiet and a slammed car door seems miles away. nothin

it's a bit chilly today, but, i'm going to make a point of sitting outside on my back patio this afternoon. i live on a 1st floor now, the 1st time in my life (i've always lived in 2nd floor apartments) and i now have a front porch and a back yard/patio to make use of! at our old apartment, i did have a fairly large garden, but, i only began sitting in it about a month or so before we moved! (and i had that garden about 5 yrs!) here, it's wonderful! and fairly private too. i don't know about you, but, i get caught up in doing this & that around the apartment (though from the looks of things, i don't seem to accomplish much!) and i let the day go by without going outside any longer than it takes me to get the mail! (this was the case even when i worked. i was only outside long enough to get to work and get home. sometimes my only going outside for the day was to do some errands after work! that doesn't count!) and when i'm not feeling well, which is

this is a strange time for me. once jan. of this yr passed by, there was nothing on the calendar... nothing specific on the horizon. we're done moving, unpacking, turning over the old apt., appealing my disability ins. claim, applying for ssd... i can't go back to any kind of job, we can't even begin trying for a baby until late this yr (dr's orders!)... of course, there's the frequent dr's visits/follow ups, but, that doesn't count! (i'm a bit of a mess to date and have 3 dr's on board trying to figure out what's going on w/my immune system, or lack thereof as it seems to be!) once feb. of this yr came, i was hit w/the question: now what?! and the terrifying thing was that i had no answer! and i still don't, but, at the moment i'm not as freaked out about it as i was! i do have some things to occupy me: our new computer, being online, reading, painting the kitchen & bathroom if i can (got those colors picked out-no clue about